Saturday, February 21, 2009

How the Grimke's Changed My Life

I talked last time about Sarah and Angelina Grimke, patron saints of Courage to speak the truth, even if everyone else thinks you’re stupid or a nut case.

Most great men and women were considered stupid nut cases in their own time.

“And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people maybe more.
People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening. People writing songs that voices never shared. No one dared disturb the sounds of silence.”



MY SUBMISSION FOR STUPID NUTCASE:

Our culture says that, in order to be good people, we must always berate ourselves, never praise ourselves.

But all that ever did was set my self-esteem at zero

When anybody ever criticized me or disagreed with me, I’d beat myself up, “You see? You're wrong. You can’t do anything right.”

In honor of the Grimke's I've decided to do the unthinkable:

Every morning I think of 50 positive things about myself. And during the day I look for ways to affirm myself: “Good job making that left turn, Poe. I like the way you slow down to let people pass.”

Has it made a difference?

One example:

Our thirty-year old pressure cooker drips a little water from the gasket. I’m too cheap to replace it. This drives my husband crazy.

A few weeks ago I was cooking some rice when he came in and gave me the Dreaded Superiority Glare. Pointing to the pressure cooker, he said, “We live in a desert. We need to conserve. Look at all the water you’re wasting.”

Normally I would cringe with shame.

I said, “You want to talk about conservation? You waste a lot more when you brush your teeth with the water running.”

He scoffed, “It’s only a trickle.”

I said, “Even a trickle wastes a lot more than the pressure cooker.”

Triumph!

(The next day I happened to go in the bathroom while he was brushing his teeth. He had the water running full blast. I was sorely tempted to say, “Just a trickle, eh?” But I asked myself, “Would you rather be happy or would you rather lord things over your husband?” I just gave him a kiss and went on my way.)

Monday, February 16, 2009

Excerpt From Poe's Talk Last Saturday


For the second time in two years, they’re coming out with a movie on Che Guevara. I don’t know why we need another film about him. I wish they’d make one about the Grimke sisters.

I hear a thunder of voices shouting, "WHO?!"

Only two of the greatest people who ever lived.

Born in South Carolina at the dawn of the 19th century, Angelina and Sarah Grimke lived lives of almost superhuman courage.

Consider their world: slavery had always existed, and no doubt always would. It drove the economy and was as taken for granted as electricity in our time. Every institution supported slavery. The Supreme Court would soon rule that, “The black man is so inferior to the white that he has no rights which the white man is bound to respect.”

As far as women went, we did not have the right to own property. (Upon marriage everything belonged to our husband. If we should be so brazen as to leave an abusive marriage, we walked out with only the clothes on our backs.* We didn’t even have the right to custody of our children.) Because of our well-known “mental inferiority,” we were not considered competent to testify in court and most schools and professions were forbidden.

It's easy to believe something when every one else knows what you say is true.

From earliest childhood Sarah and Angelina saw that slavery was wrong and they spoke out: “How can we call ourselves Christians while supporting this terrible evil? Why don’t we free our slaves? Why doesn't the minister preach against slavery?”

The result: most family members stopped speaking to them. They were forced to leave their church. The minister told their mother that they were mentally ill and should be institutionalized.

Eventually the sisters moved up north and became active in the tiny American Anti-slavery Movement. But even there the notion of black equality terrified whites. After a series of riots in which mobs first attacked abolitionists then moved on to any black people they could find, the Movement began to wonder, "Maybe we're just causing more trouble for the colored population. Given the degree of oppositon, perhaps it's all hopeless anyway."

But Angelina wrote abolitionist William Lloyd Garrison, “The ground upon which you stand is holy ground. Never, never give up!” Reprinted around the country, her words created a sensation, both positive and negative. Suddenly Angelina was famous, and she and Sarah were invited on a speaking tour of Massechusets.

“I appeal to you, my friends, as mothers: are you willing to enslave your children? You stare back with horror and indignation at such questions. But why, if slavery is not wrong to those upon whom it is imposed?” Angelina Grimke

Because of Biblical admonitions, people were scandalized to see women speak in public. The Grimkes were attacked physically and verbally, venues were denied them--even the speaking hall was burned down. Newspapers said the sisters spoke only because no white man would marry them, and they hoped to get black husbands if the laws were changed.

“What is a mob? What would the breaking of every window be? What would the leveling of this Hall be? Any evidence that we are wrong, or that slavery is a good and wholesome institution?” Sarah Grimke

Soon after Sarah wrote a series of letters on the need for women’s equality, which inspired Lucretia Mott and others to begin the Women’s Rights Movement.


“I ask no favors for my sex... All I ask of our brethren is that they take their feet from off our necks.”

Angelina had a long and happy marriage in which she kept the right to her own property. Sarah lived with them. They were alive in 1865 when slavery was abolished. And in the 1870’s, defying the law, Sarah and Angelina voted.



*I stole this line from Elisabeth Griffith, in Ken Burns’s Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

No Brag; Just Fact

While in high school I developed a crush on a guy who was really into Random Acts of Kindness, though he called it “buying someone a little happiness.” For example, whenever he came to a tollbooth he’d pay the toll of the car behind him. He was the leader of a huge crowd of kids who liked to go eat at truck stops and coffee shops. Having been a waitress myself, it’s no fun getting a dozen rowdy teenagers at once. But when we were done, my friend made us all clean up everything, stack the dishes, and then empty our pockets, leaving a huge pile of money for a tip.

As I got older and started feeling better about myself, I also got the yen to "buy someone a little happiness." You might say it's become my hobby.

Here’s what I did this week:

*An acquaintance had mentioned her upcoming birthday, so I sent her a card.

*Had fifteen minutes to kill while waiting for a prescription to be filled at Costco, so my daughter and I went out into the parking lot and put shopping cars away.

*Was beating myself up over mistakes in the past, so I said, “In memory of this mistake, I will buy some extra cans of food for the food bank.” And I did.

*I saw a newcomer at my Al-Anon meeting standing alone and crying. I went over and gave her a hug, and didn't let go till she let go.


Today's Reminder:
Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.

Monday, February 2, 2009

In Which Poe is Instructed

Recently I talked about developing a nurturing voice inside my head. Easier said than done. I am still so comfortable with the familiar voice--critical, self-hating, quick to spot everything I do wrong, even innocent mistakes.

Chime. Dissolve into…

Fourth grade. Just after lunch. My teacher is talking to the 6th grade teacher Miss Waterman in the doorway of my classroom. As I start to go inside, Miss Waterman grabs my arm and yells, "Hasn't anybody ever told you to not walk between two people having a conversation?" (Actuallly, nobody has ever told me that.) Consumed w/ guilt, I stammer an apology. As I slink into the classroom, I hear Miss Waterman tell my teacher, “Immature.”

Ooh, that hurt right through my bones--“Immature.” I’d always thought I was fairly grownup. From then on I noticed every example of my immaturity and hated myself for it: I always screwed things up. I cried all the time. I failed at sports. My room was a mess. I didn't know my multiplication tables.

Now fast forward to junior high where I was really immature--still playing with dolls, still crying, still doing everything wrong. It got so I became the school joke. One day a group of popular kids surrounded me as I was getting into my locker. They started kicking me and laughing. I don’t know why. I tried kicking them, but missed by a mile, and they all jumped back, laughing even harder now.

The rage one feels at a time like this!

Soon after that, I went into the girl’s room after school, locked one of the stalls, then crawled out under the door.

The very next day the principal came on the intercom and announced in tones of greatest disgust, “Yesterday some girl used the restroom and then crawled under the door, so that it was locked from the inside. I don’t know why anybody would do something like that. I’d like to talk to that young lady!”

Sitting at my desk, I convulsed with delight. I’d had no idea I’d created that much trouble. In a way, I was famous. Nothing in all of junior high ever gave me half as much satisfaction.

...Dissolve back to present day. Poe sits gazing, chin in hand.

Well, here I am, all grown up, Miss Waterman, and still very immature. But I have learned a thing or two from this story:

1) Prevent bullying and you prevent vandalism.
2) Anybody can make another person feel small. The real measure of an indiviual is how much you can build people up, especially those who don't do things your way.
3) It all starts with me.

...and...
4)Never walk between two people having a conversation.