Unhappy, Unhappy

“Unhappy, Unhappy, you have no complaint
You are what you are and you ain’t what you ain’t…”

Had to go early to set up my monthly women’s spirituality group. I wished I’d stayed home and worked on my art project instead. (Probably didn’t help that they were already set up when I arrived.)

I decided I’d sit at an empty table in the back of the room so I could hide out and ink my drawings during the meeting. Got breakfast and hoped nobody would come to my table.

Then nobody did. I ate my whole breakfast and no one joined me. It began to bother me. A lot. I watched friends, even my cousin, walk right by to sit at other tables, tables that already had lots of people at them. This pissed me off. I thought, “If one of them was sitting by herself, I’d sit with her.” Tables filled up and mine was the only empty table. That’s I went to “Nobody likes me; I don’t belong on planet earth. “

I recognized this place; I used to live there. I was sliding down into a hole that is very hard to get out of.

So my Al-Anon kicked in and I prayed, “God show me how you want me to be.”

Here are some of the thoughts that then came into my mind:
*Maybe I’m subconsciously conveying “stay away.”
*People aren’t sitting down with me, not because I’m a loser, but because they don’t feel safe with me.
*People are my mirrors. If I’m feeling good about myself, they will be attracted to me; If I’m rejecting myself they’ll stay away.

I tried feeling good about myself (See previous Blog entries); still nobody came over.

Then I got up to get more hot water and saw Janet, a woman I know to be extremely friendly and nurturing. I gave her a hug and asked, “Would you sit at my table?”
I went back to my seat. And before Janet could get there, Saundra, Mary Claire,and Deborah sat down. “Oh what wonderful drawings,” they said.
.

“…So listen up, Buster, and listen up good
Stop wishin’ for bad luck and knockin’on wood.”
John Prine