My Friends, I am Getting Better All the Time.

Every year in May, I do a walkathon for my favorite charity. As always, I hit up everybody I know, including, this year, an email sent to my oldest brother Arelius.

Within hours he replied with three emails, each containing a link to a blog that said my charity is evil.

This makes me nuts.

In my family of origin, all you had to do was get excited about something and everyone would rush to tell you all the reasons why it was a stupid idea, you’re doomed to fail, nobody likes you anyway.

I was just a little kid; I didn’t know my family was sick. Every time it happened, I felt ashamed to my core.

But now, April 23, 2009, I do know such behavior is just plain mean, and I was furious. Because I was so looking forward to this event, and once again somebody I trusted shamed me.

I opened up Reply and wrote Arelius:

“Thanks a lot. I’ll write the hundreds of people I solicited and tell them all never mind…”
But a little voice inside warned me, “Sarcasm comes from the root word meaning to tear flesh. Not a healthy response.” So I erased my letter.

And replaced it with:
“WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?” Followed by a long explanation of why Arelius had harmed me.

I was about to send this, but I thought, “If I send it, I can’t take it back. Maybe I’d better wait till I’ve had a chance to calm down.” And I erased it.

But I was still seething.

It was time for my affirmations and I could not do them. If I ever needed proof, this told me that resentment cuts us off from the sunlight of the spirit.

That’s when I remembered, “Oh yeah, pray for the people we resent.” I prayed, “God bless Arelius, Give him everything he desires.” After a while I felt better, did my affirmations, and went to bed.

The next day, following consultation with an Al-Anon friend, I sent Arelius the following email:
“Dear beloved older brother, I know you meant well, but your response was very hurtful. Love, Poe"

You’ll note I didn’t go on and on, explaining how and why. Trying to make the other person understand is one of the main ways I make myself crazy.

A favorite student once gave me a bumper sticker: “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”

Instead, I set my boundary, said my piece in a loving way. That feels much better.

Postscript: Arelius later emailed me back, saying, “Just trying to make sure you don't get blindsided by some yahoo while you are campaigning.” Whatever that means.

Post postscript: My husband says I should have written Arelius and said, “Thanks for the information. But you didn’t say how much you were donating.”

Why I Feel Better These Days.

One of the consequences of growing up in an alcoholic home, is that I never think I’m good enough. In fact, if you went inside my head, you’d hear a constant tape of all the reasons I don’t measure up: “I did this wrong, I forgot to do that, I didn’t do this soon enough, people probably think I’m neurotic.” Needless to say, this makes me nuts.

Al-Anon says, “If you don’t like a behavior, start doing the opposite.”

So about fifteen years ago I began a practice of thinking five good things about myself a day. Back then I had trouble thinking anything good about me. It all felt like a lie, even evil: “I’m being narcissistic.”

But Jesus said you have to look at the fruits. The more I thought nice things about myself, the more I was kind, confident, loving, altruistic, and I was a lot less depressed.

Here are the rules:
* If I’d beat myself up for NOT doing something, I get to praise myself every time I do do it.
* It's okay to think the same thought multiple times.***
* If during my daily “praise time” I think anything bad about myself, I have to come up with five more good things.
* Every day I pick one positive thing and write it down in a little book, to use on the days I can’t think of anything.
* Ever so often I increase the number of good things. (These days I can usually rattle off 100 at a time.)

Nowadays I do this six times a day: when I get up, at 10, 12, 2, 5 and at bedtime. At the same time I also pray and meditate for about a minute.

A RECENT LIST, ABBREVIATED:

1. I remembered to send my brother a birthday card.
2. Today I took time to stop and smell the daffodils.
3. I ate salad for lunch instead of a milkshake.
4. I sent my manuscript to an editor.
5. Before mailing I proofread the manuscript about ten times.
6. I asked my daughter, in a loving way, to remove her laundry from the spare bedroom bed.
7. I save pinecones from our yard and give them to a kindergarten teacher for crafts.
8. I joined an exercise class.
9. I felt self-conscious in my exercise class; then realized nobody’s watching me--we’re all just a bunch of middle-aged women having fun exercising.
10. I made the bed this morning.
11. I praised myself for making the bed this morning.
12. I praised myself for praising myself for making my bed this morning.
13. When my cell phone went through the washing machine, I didn't overeat, I called the cell phone company.
14. I remembered to send my brother a birthday card.***
15. I got my blog entry done this week.

Poe Reads Outliers With Predictable Results

I’ve been reading this book by Malcolm Gladwell. (NOTE--I AM ABOUT TO GIVE AWAY MUCH OF THIS BOOK, SO IF THAT BOTHERS YOU, SKIP THE REST OF THIS PARAGRAPH)He says the road to success is being born in either January, February, or March between 1953 and 1955 into a middle class Jewish family working in the garment trade. I go “ditto ditto ditto (if you count that my great-grandfather was a hatter.)” But if I’m so smart, why aren’t I successful?

Suddenly I feel not good enough.

I’d like to ask Mr. Gladwell how many outliers grew up in violent, alcoholic homes, where there was hell to pay for making any kind of a mistake, including being too happy or spontaneous? How many were social outcasts for being atheists, Yankees, non-athletic, and having a dad who was a communist? Huh? Huh?


Then I read this: Successful people don’t just spring full grown from Zeus’s forehead. If you spend at least 10,000 hours (about ten years) of doing something, you’ll be a huge success.

I realize I have done 10,000 hours of Al-Anon, reading, petting cats,and goofing off.

(This morning I shared all this with my friend Donna and she tells me I am way too hard on myself. Donna suggests...

A SOLUTION:
Imagine looking at yourself from outside and visualize how you'd like to be. What would you look like, even down to facial expression?

I will try this and report back.)