My Friends, I am Getting Better All the Time.

Every year in May, I do a walkathon for my favorite charity. As always, I hit up everybody I know, including, this year, an email sent to my oldest brother Arelius.

Within hours he replied with three emails, each containing a link to a blog that said my charity is evil.

This makes me nuts.

In my family of origin, all you had to do was get excited about something and everyone would rush to tell you all the reasons why it was a stupid idea, you’re doomed to fail, nobody likes you anyway.

I was just a little kid; I didn’t know my family was sick. Every time it happened, I felt ashamed to my core.

But now, April 23, 2009, I do know such behavior is just plain mean, and I was furious. Because I was so looking forward to this event, and once again somebody I trusted shamed me.

I opened up Reply and wrote Arelius:

“Thanks a lot. I’ll write the hundreds of people I solicited and tell them all never mind…”
But a little voice inside warned me, “Sarcasm comes from the root word meaning to tear flesh. Not a healthy response.” So I erased my letter.

And replaced it with:
“WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?” Followed by a long explanation of why Arelius had harmed me.

I was about to send this, but I thought, “If I send it, I can’t take it back. Maybe I’d better wait till I’ve had a chance to calm down.” And I erased it.

But I was still seething.

It was time for my affirmations and I could not do them. If I ever needed proof, this told me that resentment cuts us off from the sunlight of the spirit.

That’s when I remembered, “Oh yeah, pray for the people we resent.” I prayed, “God bless Arelius, Give him everything he desires.” After a while I felt better, did my affirmations, and went to bed.

The next day, following consultation with an Al-Anon friend, I sent Arelius the following email:
“Dear beloved older brother, I know you meant well, but your response was very hurtful. Love, Poe"

You’ll note I didn’t go on and on, explaining how and why. Trying to make the other person understand is one of the main ways I make myself crazy.

A favorite student once gave me a bumper sticker: “Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.”

Instead, I set my boundary, said my piece in a loving way. That feels much better.

Postscript: Arelius later emailed me back, saying, “Just trying to make sure you don't get blindsided by some yahoo while you are campaigning.” Whatever that means.

Post postscript: My husband says I should have written Arelius and said, “Thanks for the information. But you didn’t say how much you were donating.”